In the midst of a turbulent emotional time recently, I picked up Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart again. It’s a book I keep coming back to when I feel like I can’t seem to step back from where I find myself. When the ground disappears from underneath me and I don’t know where to find a foothold.
I, like almost everyone else I know, can feel too busy, too preoccupied, too frightened, quite frankly, to allow myself to really feel the true depth of my emotions sometimes. I was not brought up understanding how to express myself clearly or cleanly. There is so much that goes on in my body and mind that I am only just beginning to decipher. And that is only after doing a lot of hard work, going through some dark times, sharing my story with some incredible people, having daughters of my own… and reading some amazing books.
“The essence of life is that it’s challenging. Sometimes it is sweet, and sometimes it is bitter. Sometimes your body tenses, and sometimes it relaxes or opens. Sometimes you have a headache, and sometimes you feel 100 per cent healthy. From an awakened perspective, trying to tie up all the loose ends and finally get it together is death, because it involves rejecting a lot of your basic experience. There is something aggressive about that approach to life, trying to flatten out all the rough spots and imperfections into a nice smooth ride.
To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. From the awakened point of view, that’s life. Death is wanting to hold on to what you have and to have every experience confirm you and congratulate you and make you feel completely together.”
This passage resonated deeply with me, because what it does is give me permission to open up to those dark places. In fact, not only does it allow me to go there, it says to me that actually I am not truly alive if I don’t!
Anger, grief, fear, all of these emotions that so many of us are taught to lock away, hide, not deal with, put a smile on, smooth on over, suppress… these are REAL emotions! They are a part of who I am, and I know I need to acknowledge them, accept them, welcome them, even, into being. Without them I am incomplete. Without them I am dead.
It is hard feeling angry, sad, scared, worried, confused, groundless. In our busy, preoccupied lives it can feel almost impossible to find that space in which to allow those emotions to surface. And yet, I can truly now say I know that this is just the point at which we can all begin again. Each and every time. If we choose to.
I choose to do this for myself. And I choose to do this for my daughters. Because I see all that rage, fear, confusion and sadness in them sometimes and I know how they feel. However hard these emotions are to deal with in the moment, I will never ask them to suppress any of them. Because to suppress is to die, and I am just not willing to let that happen.